Lost In Your Loss

My child,

Sometimes I wonder what in my life led me to you - my greatest joy - only to lose you, losing myself in a maze of emotions I can’t unravel.

Who was I when I held you in my hands, little one? And what have I become since that moment, now that I can no longer hold onto anything?

Deep down, I know I never understood this war... one I never wanted to fight.

It shatters me to see you on the battlefield, moving with such determination, convinced you’re fighting for a noble cause, while your blood spills at my feet. I watch you through a filter, a cruel pane of glass that keeps you from seeing me, while I see all of you... and still can’t protect you.

I’m sorry I lost myself in this fight. That I wasn’t strong enough to pull you from that field of pain, to become your armour. I’m sorry if l’ve lost sight of my own truths, my own senses. I no longer know myself, just as I no longer know who you’ve been since they tore you from my arms.

I’m sorry if I sometimes let lies deceive me, because facing them would mean being strong, would mean loving myself.

And yet, ever since I believe you stopped loving me... I love myself so little.