What to Say (and What Not to Say) to Your Alienated Child: A Guide for Targeted Parents

Sienna Reef
5 days ago
7 min read

Understand what your child is experiencing without losing yourself.

Targeted parents are often told to “just keep reaching out”. And, quite bravely, they do; they send texts, leave voicemails, show up at their children’s school with a heart full of hope. Time after time, they watch their child turn away, wondering what they did wrong. But here is something important to remember:

What you say matters infinitely more than how often you say it.

And how you say it must shift depending on the age of your child, the depth of the alienation, and whether you are speaking to a nine-year-old who has been told you are scary or a sixteen-year-old who has been told you are weak.

Part One: The Golden Rule of Communication

Before we break down age-specific strategies, I want to give you a principle that will guide everything that follows.

Be a lighthouse, not a rescue boat.

A lighthouse does not chase the ship. It simple stands: steady, immovable and constant. It casts its light so when the ship is ready to find its way home, the path is visible.

A rescue boat, on the other hand, circles desperately. It sends up flares and calls out into the dark. It exhausts its fuel trying to reach a vessel that is actively sailing away.

We want to be the lighthouse. Why? Because your child isn’t lost because they cannot find you. They’re lost because they’ve been told you’re dangerous, that you’ll hurt them and that anyone who tries to guide them to you is actually trying to trap them.

Your job is not to convince them otherwise with words, but to be steady, consistent and safe, until the story they’ve been told eventually collapses under the weight of its own lies.

That takes time… and patience. And it takes a very particular kind of communication; one that does not demand, does not pressure and does not crumble when tested.

Part Two: What Makes Your Position Worse

Let me be blunt about the mistakes I see more often (and that I’ve made myself in the past!). They are normal responses to the painful situation, but they aren’t helping you.

Communication from a place of desperation

When you send a text that says, “Please, just answer me. I miss you so much. I’m struggling without you,” you aren’t connecting, but only emptying your emotional burden onto a child who is already carrying more than they can hold (a bit like the alienator does).

Your alienated child has likely been told that you are needy, unstable and incapable of managing your own emotions. When you communicate with desperation, you hand them evidence that the lies are true.

Litigating the alienator through the child

When you say, “Your father is lying to you,” or “Your mother is poisoning you against me,” you’re forcing your child to choose between two loyalties (just like the alienator does). In this scenario, when they’re already rejecting you, they’ll likely choose the side of the alienating parent. Even if your words are true, you lose the moment you put them in the position to choose.

Accepting the abuse in the name of “being accepted”

I personally believe that the assumption that the targeted parent must absorb every accusation and insult, without pushing back, for the ‘sake of their child’ is wrong. It is especially wrong if your alienated child is a teenager. I understand the theory behind it: that any resistance will escalate the conflict. This advice is well-intentioned.

But I don’t think that a teenager who is being coached to see you as weak will feel safe when you collapse. In their distorted reality, they might feel that you agree with the narrative that you are incompetent and unworthy of respect. They are still your child, and they’re testing you to find evidence that you are still their parent… still strong enough to hold them and unshaken by their attempts to push you away.

Using guilt as a bridge

“I’m so sad without you,” or “Your brother misses you so much,” or “Don’t you want to see me?” are all guilt-based appeals. You might think you’re expressing love, you might think that if they see how sad you are without them, they’ll believe you. But to an alienated child, these statements feel like chains. They add on pressure that will only solidify their resistance.

Speaking the same way to a seven-year-old as you do to a seventeen-year-old

This is one of the most common mistakes: targeted parents use the same approach regardless of their child’s developmental stage.

Children at different ages process loyalty conflicts differently. They require different language, different pacing and different expectations. For example: the directness that earns a teenager’s respect will overwhelm a child who just needs to know you still exist.

Part Three: What Makes Your Position Better

Now let’s talk about what might work (in the long run).

Unconditional love with unshakeable boundaries

The formula is simple but excruciating to put into practice: Love + Authority = Safety.

Without authority, love looks like desperation; and without love, authority looks like control. Your alienated child needs to know that you love them without condition. But they also need to know that you cannot be destabilised by their rejection, manipulated by their insults or provoked into losing yourself and your role as a parent. You are not their friend nor their peer. You are their parent and you’re expected to act like it even when completely erased. They need your steadiness.

Low-demand, high-consistency communication

The most effective communication with an alienated child is communication that asks for nothing in return. This is counterintuitive, as you truly wish a response from them (“I love you too” or a simple hug). But the child who’s being pressured to reject you will give you none those things. And if you require them to feel safe, you will feel empty.

Examples of messages that require nothing:

“Just want to say that I’m thinking of you. No need to reply. Have a nice day!”
“I hope you’re having fun this week!”
“I saw this today and it made me smile and think of you. Have a nice day!”

These messages communicate that you love them regardless of their performance. They remove the pressure that the alienating parent has told them you will apply (and are also impossible to twist into ‘harassment’).

Validation without agreement

Your child may say things that are false, coached or deeply hurtful. You don’t have to agree with them, but you can validate their feeling without validating the accusation.

When they say, “You’re a terrible parent,” you can respond: “You’re allowed to feel angry with me. I’m still your parent and I still love you.” This acknowledges their emotion states your position without need for an escalation.

Authoritative firmness (especially with teenagers)

Putting your head down and absorbing the blow is likely not the right approach with your teenage child.

Teenagers are navigating identity formation, asking themselves who they are, who they trust and who they want to become. When you respond to their ‘cruelty’ with passivity, you risk becoming, in their eyes, exactly what they were told you were: weak, guilty and deserving of contempt. So what to do? Example below:

“I hate you. I never want to see you again!”

“I understand that you’re feeling angry right now. Hate is a heavy feeling. I’m not going anywhere, I’m still your parent and I’m always going to love you, no matter what.”

This way you haven’t argued, haven’t collapsed, and have stated that you love them without asking for anything in return. You’ve shown them a parent that isn’t broken by their harsh statements. Your child might perceive safety and leadership.

Developmental precision

What you say must match where your child is developmentally. A young child needs concrete language, repetition and low-demand presence. A teenager needs respect for their autonomy, directness and evidence that you see them as a separate person.

Part Four: Age-Specific Strategies

Young Children (Ages 4-10)

The goal with young children is to maintain the memory of your bond. keep yourself familiar and predictable. These children often experience splitting; they must forget the good to survive the loyalty conflict. Your job is to be consistent reminder of who you are.

WhatNot to Say:

“Do you remember when we used to…?”
“I’m so sad without you.”
“Why won’t you give me a hug?”

What to Say:

“I love you. I love you. I love you.”
“You don’t have to talk. We can just sit here together and colour.”
“If you feel mad at me, that’s okay. I still love you.”

Young Teenagers (Ages 10-13)

This group is caught between concrete and abstract thinking. They are often the most fiercely alienated because cognitive rigidity meets the loyalty demands of early adolescence.

What Not to Say:

“It’s not true I wasn’t there for you.”
“You can decide for yourself now.”
“Your other parent is lying to you.”

What to Say:

“I’m going to keep reaching out. You don’t have to answer/engage. I love you.”
“You’re allowed to love me and be mad at me at the same time.”
“I’m not going anywhere, even if you want me to. I’m always here for you.”

Teenagers (Ages 13-18)

The goal with teenagers is to respect their autonomy while remaining unmistakably the parent.

What Not to Say:

“I know you’re being influenced.”
“When you’re older, you’ll understand.”
“I have the right to see you.”

What to Say:

“I trust you to figure out what’s true for you. I’ll be here.”
“You don’t owe me a relationship. But I want you to know I’m here if you you ever want one.”
“I’m proud of the person you’re becoming. And I love you very much.”

Part Five: When to Stand Still

There’s a poem I love, that has helped me overcome our situation facing parental alienation. Lost - by David Wagoner. I talk about it here.

“Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you are not lost. Wherever you are is called here.”

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is nothing.

Your child is watching; they’re watching to see if you will prove the alienator right. To see if you will abandon them or if your love was ever real. When you remain steady, when you continue to send low-demand messages of love and refuse to be provoked in desperation, you show them permanence.

Part Six: A Final Word on Your Role

I know you didn’t ask for this or created it. But you are in it, and you are the only one who can hold the door open long enough for your child to find their way back.

This is not about being perfect or lucky. I was definitely not perfect… I made mistakes, said the wrong things and, yes, I’ve also sent desperate texts. But I learned, adjusted and pushed through. And eventually, the door opened.

This isn’t a sprint, but a marathon where you need to train and become the strongest version of yourself. You can do this… don’t chase but stand still. Become the lighthouse.

Understand what your child is experiencing without losing yourself.

And how you say it must shift depending on the age of your child, the depth of the alienation, and whether you are speaking to a nine-year-old who has been told you are scary or a sixteen-year-old who has been told you are weak.

Part One: The Golden Rule of Communication

Before we break down age-specific strategies, I want to give you a principle that will guide everything that follows.

Be a lighthouse, not a rescue boat.

A lighthouse does not chase the ship. It simple stands: steady, immovable and constant. It casts its light so when the ship is ready to find its way home, the path is visible.

A rescue boat, on the other hand, circles desperately. It sends up flares and calls out into the dark. It exhausts its fuel trying to reach a vessel that is actively sailing away.

We want to be the lighthouse. Why? Because your child isn’t lost because they cannot find you. They’re lost because they’ve been told you’re dangerous, that you’ll hurt them and that anyone who tries to guide them to you is actually trying to trap them.

Your job is not to convince them otherwise with words, but to be steady, consistent and safe, until the story they’ve been told eventually collapses under the weight of its own lies.

That takes time… and patience. And it takes a very particular kind of communication; one that does not demand, does not pressure and does not crumble when tested.

Part Two: What Makes Your Position Worse

Let me be blunt about the mistakes I see more often (and that I’ve made myself in the past!). They are normal responses to the painful situation, but they aren’t helping you.

Communication from a place of desperation

When you send a text that says, “Please, just answer me. I miss you so much. I’m struggling without you,” you aren’t connecting, but only emptying your emotional burden onto a child who is already carrying more than they can hold (a bit like the alienator does).

Your alienated child has likely been told that you are needy, unstable and incapable of managing your own emotions. When you communicate with desperation, you hand them evidence that the lies are true.

Litigating the alienator through the child

Accepting the abuse in the name of “being accepted”

Using guilt as a bridge

Speaking the same way to a seven-year-old as you do to a seventeen-year-old

This is one of the most common mistakes: targeted parents use the same approach regardless of their child’s developmental stage.

Children at different ages process loyalty conflicts differently. They require different language, different pacing and different expectations. For example: the directness that earns a teenager’s respect will overwhelm a child who just needs to know you still exist.

Part Three: What Makes Your Position Better

Now let’s talk about what might work (in the long run).

Unconditional love with unshakeable boundaries

The formula is simple but excruciating to put into practice: Love + Authority = Safety.

Low-demand, high-consistency communication

Examples of messages that require nothing:

“Just want to say that I’m thinking of you. No need to reply. Have a nice day!”

“I hope you’re having fun this week!”

“I saw this today and it made me smile and think of you. Have a nice day!”

These messages communicate that you love them regardless of their performance. They remove the pressure that the alienating parent has told them you will apply (and are also impossible to twist into ‘harassment’).

Validation without agreement

Your child may say things that are false, coached or deeply hurtful. You don’t have to agree with them, but you can validate their feeling without validating the accusation.

When they say, “You’re a terrible parent,” you can respond: “You’re allowed to feel angry with me. I’m still your parent and I still love you.” This acknowledges their emotion states your position without need for an escalation.

Authoritative firmness (especially with teenagers)

Putting your head down and absorbing the blow is likely not the right approach with your teenage child.

This way you haven’t argued, haven’t collapsed, and have stated that you love them without asking for anything in return. You’ve shown them a parent that isn’t broken by their harsh statements. Your child might perceive safety and leadership.

Developmental precision

What you say must match where your child is developmentally. A young child needs concrete language, repetition and low-demand presence. A teenager needs respect for their autonomy, directness and evidence that you see them as a separate person.

Part Four: Age-Specific Strategies

Young Children (Ages 4-10)

The goal with young children is to maintain the memory of your bond. keep yourself familiar and predictable. These children often experience splitting; they must forget the good to survive the loyalty conflict. Your job is to be consistent reminder of who you are.

WhatNot to Say:

“Do you remember when we used to…?”

“I’m so sad without you.”

“Why won’t you give me a hug?”

What to Say:

“I love you. I love you. I love you.”

“You don’t have to talk. We can just sit here together and colour.”

“If you feel mad at me, that’s okay. I still love you.”

Young Teenagers (Ages 10-13)

This group is caught between concrete and abstract thinking. They are often the most fiercely alienated because cognitive rigidity meets the loyalty demands of early adolescence.

What Not to Say:

“It’s not true I wasn’t there for you.”

“You can decide for yourself now.”

“Your other parent is lying to you.”

What to Say:

“I’m going to keep reaching out. You don’t have to answer/engage. I love you.”

“You’re allowed to love me and be mad at me at the same time.”

“I’m not going anywhere, even if you want me to. I’m always here for you.”

Teenagers (Ages 13-18)

The goal with teenagers is to respect their autonomy while remaining unmistakably the parent.

What Not to Say:

“I know you’re being influenced.”

“When you’re older, you’ll understand.”

“I have the right to see you.”

What to Say:

“I trust you to figure out what’s true for you. I’ll be here.”

“You don’t owe me a relationship. But I want you to know I’m here if you you ever want one.”

“I’m proud of the person you’re becoming. And I love you very much.”

Part Five: When to Stand Still

There’s a poem I love, that has helped me overcome our situation facing parental alienation. Lost - by David Wagoner. I talk about it here.

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is nothing.

Your child is watching; they’re watching to see if you will prove the alienator right. To see if you will abandon them or if your love was ever real. When you remain steady, when you continue to send low-demand messages of love and refuse to be provoked in desperation, you show them permanence.

Part Six: A Final Word on Your Role

I know you didn’t ask for this or created it. But you are in it, and you are the only one who can hold the door open long enough for your child to find their way back.

This is not about being perfect or lucky. I was definitely not perfect… I made mistakes, said the wrong things and, yes, I’ve also sent desperate texts. But I learned, adjusted and pushed through. And eventually, the door opened.

This isn’t a sprint, but a marathon where you need to train and become the strongest version of yourself. You can do this… don’t chase but stand still. Become the lighthouse.

If you wish to know more about my story, my memoir, Hope Is A Gentle Flicker, is coming out next month.

Let’s focus on getting our children back home.